An example of a regular conversation I have or see on social media:
Me: I am so tired of the War on Christmas nonsense. I really just want people to consider the feelings of others and think about how much more inclusive “Happy Holidays!” can feel!
Someone else (usually a white cis dude): I would be delighted if someone wished me a Happy Hanukah! It’s thoughtful of them to think of me, and I’m not offended.
Me: That’s great for you, but it feels different for me.
SE: People don’t mean anything by it. There’s no reason to take offense!
Me: I see what you’re saying, but we’re going to have to agree to disagree.
_________
Do you see what’s happened here? Basically, the dude won. The dude who clearly feels very open and welcoming because he’d be delighted to be wished a Happy Hanukah. He loves diversity! He embraces it! He’d welcome something like this, if it ever happened to him. And that’s the key. He has never seriously been wished a Happy Hanukah. It’s not a thing that he has actually experienced. But I have been wished a Merry Christmas. A LOT. Multiple times a year, sometimes even a week. It’s not always something to brush aside. Some people are saying it maliciously. Some people may react VERY badly if I jokingly respond with a cheerful “Happy Hanukah.” Some people have said it aggressively even after I’ve politely corrected them. And all of these things can happen in one season. Now, imagine that happening every year. The hostility, anger, frustration, rudeness. Because, yes, it is RUDE to ignore the fact that there are other religions in this country. Not ignorant, and not just forgetful. RUDE. You and I know what you’re doing when you repeatedly wish every human you see a Merry Christmas. You’re denying that I exist. You’re hoping I will take the damn hint and go already. I know EXACTLY what you’re doing, and that dude? He has no idea, because it’s never happened to him. In his experience, this isn’t an issue. His lived life does not include denial of existence. And more importantly, because he’s never experienced it, he cannot imagine that any other life does, because he, in his mind, is very inclusive, and assumes that others are as well.
I don’t have that faith in people. I’ve seen the ugliness and cruelty they can wield, and let’s be honest. I’m white. I have privilege. I can pass, and have had people furious with me for doing so when they find out. The South expects its white inhabitants to fit a certain mold, and if you don’t, well, they’re not afraid to tell you what’s wrong with you and insist you conform as often as possible. People spent my entire childhood, up through high school, trying to convert me, pretty much weekly. Still Jewish, y’all.
But that’s not my point. My point is this. Everyone on this planet lives their own life, steered by both their own choices and history’s legacy. Everyone experiences the world differently. Just because you personally have not seen a thing — racism, prejudice, sexism, cruelty, systemic bias, injustice — does not mean those things aren’t happening every hour of every day. It is vital to our society that we believe our fellow humans when they point these things out, no matter how “trivial” it may seem to you. Sure, you think a football team’s mascot name is inconsequential and part of a tradition. Ask me how I’d feel if they renamed the NY team “The Jews.” Nope, not an offensive word, and yes, we have a long history in NY. Still deeply offensive. 100% not ok. So why do we let Native team names persist? Because they always have? That’s a terrible reason to do anything.
Why can’t you just believe the people who are affected when they tell you they are? Why do you have to argue? Why is YOUR point of view the right one? Why is it so important to negate my lived experiences in order to validate yours? I believe you when you tell me you have never personally witnessed racism. I’m telling you it’s still happening every day. Why is that so impossible to comprehend? Do you think I’m just being hysterical because these things have never crossed your path? Why can’t you open your mind and your heart to the possibility that life isn’t exactly the same for everyone else as it is for you? Is it so terrifying to imagine? Do you worry about your complicity? (We are all complicit. Accept it and do better next time. I’m trying to help you do exactly that.)
Or is it smaller? Do you just not want to change what you’ve been doing all along? Is that too hard? Do you on some level just assume that you’re right and I’m wrong? Are you maybe not as open-minded as you think you are?
I have had so many exchanges on social media over the past 18 months with friends, mostly white dudes I’ve known for a long while now, where they’ve done their very best to point out how I’m just not seeing things the right way. Dog whistle speech — nope, not really a thing, and you’re sensitive. Gender and age issues in hiring — that’s silly and illegal, no one does that. Black lives matter — all lives matter. Happy Holidays — Happy Hanukah! Systemic bias in sports — no one watches anyway. Changing FSU’s mascot — HOW DARE YOU. Systemic bias in medicine — not worth the risk. Sexual assault — women should speak up when it happens.
These denials come from the same place, the same discomfort, the same lack of willingness to change. And change we must, if we’re to make this country a better, safer place for the next generation of Americans (ALL Americans). Instead of looking at your own set of experiences the next time someone comes to you with an issue, try listening instead. HEAR what the issue is, and imagine what it’s like to experience it, day after day, year after year. Have compassion for your fellow human and the life they’re trying to lead. Ask how you can help. You might have to change a word you regularly use, or a line of thinking. You might have to do some work. Real work. But the Others in this society have been doing the work every day of propping up your feelings for so long. Their burden is our burden. Our America is their America. We must do this work to move forward, to progress, to become better. To BE better.
We have to listen, but even more importantly, we have to hear, and we have to believe. We can’t fix our problems if we don’t even believe they exist. Believe women. Believe POC. Believe LGBTQ people. Believe marginalized people everywhere. Believe your fellow humans. Help them on their journey, so we can all continue on ours. Be excited to learn and willing to change. Your experiences are yours, but they are not mine.
I would love to tell you all about it, if you’ll just listen.
