It’s 6 PM on the first day of the new year, and it’s already been busy. I did two loads of laundry. I potted the poppies I bought at Trader Joe’s. I made breakfast, cleaned up after, and then made lunch, and cleaned up after that, too. I had a couple snacks later in the afternoon, and cleaned up again. If you asked me, I’d be happy to rattle off a list of all the things I didn’t accomplish. But that’s not how we start a new year. New years are a chance to start over — to not be the same person we were last year, even if last year was yesterday, and complete change overnight is unlikely under the best of circumstances. And wow, are we not in the best of circumstances. We aren’t even in, like, halfway decent circumstances. Some of us are doing ok, and some of us aren’t, but I think most of us waver from good to bad hourly, and often land somewhere in between, depending on what we most recently consumed, media-wise.
Honestly, that seems pretty normal to me. People fluctuate! In the Before Times, your office’s gray walls provided an anti-test pattern of sorts. They dulled the roar of constant change. But now, if you’re like me, you’re home, every day, and the tedious sameness pushes your brain to cry out for stimulation at all hours of the day and night. Different stimulation than your kids, or social media, or TV. So, you’re all over the place, basically. You always were, but you didn’t notice before because you had work shit to do.
What’s my point here? My point is that you (and by you, I mean me) shouldn’t be too hard on yourself if you aren’t a completely different person today. Maybe, as you wove in and out of fluctuations, you were for a half hour or so. But then you wandered over to the fridge and had a snack that’s not on the New You menu. Or maybe it’s now 6:30 PM and you didn’t do that yoga video you were going to do. You know what? You still have tomorrow. And the day after that. You were never going to become a brand new person overnight. But if you want to pursue change, you have an opportunity right now to chase your goal. Do one thing. Just one! Make it something small! Stop scrolling (after you finish reading this essay, and maybe sharing it, of course!) and give a friend a call. Or even just a text! Go for a walk. Grab a snack and feed your body. Set one goal. Cross one thing off your list.
Or, you know what? Don’t. Let it sit until tomorrow. Or Monday! You are not a bad person for not changing overnight! Last year was YESTERDAY. As my therapist says: “Show yourself the kindness you’d show a friend.” Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. We have all had a hell of a year, and we’re ending in much the same place we started, an unexpected punch to the gut no one suspected and left everyone reeling.
Grief, hurt, isolation — these are my main companions now, but also, waiting. I feel constantly like I’m waiting for something to happen. For the pandemic to suddenly end, for the next shoe to drop, for someone to show up and save us, for I don’t know what. Waiting wakes me up in the middle of the night, and sends me out to check the mailbox each day. It’s hypervigilance, but it’s also just desperation. I’m actively encouraging change to come. Even if I know it’s not from one day to the next. It’s optimism, in its own way.
A friend of mine mentioned this new year feels more Jewish than others, as we often spend Rosh Hashana buried in reflection and thought, a celebration, but one tempered with the recent grief and compassion of Yom Kippur. We cannot enter the new year without a remembrance of and apology for the hurt we caused in the past one, and that solemnity is often carried into the new year’s observance. On this secular-ish new year, with a new variant making it impossible to safely gather once again, many of us spent the evening quietly at home, waiting for an apology that will never come.
Take a deep breath. And another. One more just for good measure. Give yourself a hug. Let yourself be you, whatever that means to you. Rely on others. Build community where you can. And be kind to yourself in the new year, whether you’re changing or not. Set realistic goals, and know that you’ll get there, eventually. Ask any “overnight success” how long it took them to get that title. You KNOW this! So live it. Stop waiting for it to happen.
(this is me, making a change. I didn’t write much last year, so I want to write more this year, even if it’s just a jumble of words my brain barfs out. Please enjoy my brain barf!)
